Oh snap!

An East Marlborough resident reports an exciting event along Route 82 last week: "Rarely is there a traffic jam in front on my house (ok, never) but because of a 60-lb-plus snapping turtle there was a big old gaper delay until my saint of a husband with assistance heaved the ugly beast up on the bank.
"Once it was on the bank (and traffic could move) it would have been hard to tell the size from a photo. However, I swear its shell was almost as big as the lid on my trash can and its head larger than a softball!!! Took 2 men to lift it."
She suspects that the old quarry behind her house is a haven for the massive and long-lived creatures.

Brown

The stink bugs have started leaving small brown spots on the windowsills, floors, walls and furniture. Occasionally there's even a little trail of dots and then one blob. I'm not sure what fluid this is, and I definitely don't want to spend too much time thinking about it. Fortunately it wipes up easily -- except, I've found, from chintz and brocade upholstery.

Only in Unionville

I looked out the window at 6:30 this morning and saw the school bus stopping for the boys who live next door. The flashing red lights came on as the boys boarded -- and the oncoming equestrian stopped her mount, just like drivers have to stop their cars, and waited until the bus moved off before she continued down the road.

The Fine Print

I bought a jar of supercharged face cream the other day and opened the little leaflet to read about all of the miraculous but absurdly expensive ingredients that are going to preserve my healthy country glow.
Clearly the stuff is made for aging skin, not for aging eyes: the pamphlet was written in the tiniest possible print, smaller even than classified-ad size. I held it as far away as possible and couldn't make out one word in any of the languages it was translated into. Finally I held it directly in the bright sunshine and could read it if I squinted -- sort of.
Think it through a little better next time, packaging consultants!
Speaking of classified ads, I spotted this one in a Lancaster County paper: "Honest, conservative individual to answer phones and good with people, etc." Conservative in terms of politics? Investment strategy? Water usage? And good with people and ... animals? Aliens? Zombies?

Paging David Brent

Two Starbucks customers this morning were having an easily overheard conversation. The man was clearly senior to the woman, and I'm guessing this was supposed to be some sort of a coaching or employee development session.
He certainly started the conversation off on completely the wrong foot: he announced that he was expecting an important phone call and would have to take it, and he assured her it was not a pre-programmed call designed to intimidate or impress her.
Definitely not Boss-of-the-Year material.

A jar

My mother was vexed. She had tried all the usual methods to open a jar of imported apricot jam -- hot water, a sure-grip rubber disc -- and it just wasn't cooperating. She brought it to Easter dinner to see if any of us had a solution.
I tried the old-fashioned claw-like bottle opener that works like a charm on tight applesauce jars, but the lid was thick and had a plastic seal underneath, so the claw couldn't get any purchase.
My brother, an engineer and all-around clever fix-it guy, studied the jar for a few moments and then took it out to the garage. He was back within a minute -- bearing an opened jar.
Great anthems of praise greeted him. How on earth did he do it?
"Don't ask," he said mysteriously, meticulously wiping the lid before allowing my mother to sample the jam.
Speaking of gadgets, I spotted those old-fashioned metal ice-cube trays in a catalog: "The original is back and our customers are thrilled!" Not me: those things were almost impossible to open, and you rarely got an intact ice cube. Buy the plastic trays.

Gratefully, Tilda

Three huge cheers to the PECO workers for restoring our electricity so quickly after that awful crash on Route 841 here in West Marlborough on Easter evening. It was a Sunday evening, and a holiday to boot, and we were out of power for only 3 hours, barely enough time to start yearning for running water and the Internet.
And maybe even louder cheers are due to all of the volunteers who dropped everything, gave up their Easter dinner and family time and rushed off to help with the rescue and clean-up efforts. We are so lucky to have such selfless folks in our community.
THANK YOU ALL!